Enneagram 3w4 vs 4w3: The Glass Slipper with Rose Decals 🩰🪞🌹 vs Decaying Rose with Glass Thorns 🩸🗡️🥀🫗

3 is utilizing 4’s melancholy and “depth”, separateness, exemptness and exceptionality to market themselves as desirable, skilled, valuable and the best at the thing their ego is invested in. What their ego is invested in may be personal to them, but it will also be something acceptable to, impressive and even coveted by others. So the 3w4 will still have ego around being “unique” or “special” but it’s in service of feeding the core ego’s desire to be/be seen as valuable and appreciated and credited for it.

You’ll often see 3w4 lady bosses doing “authentic” or “confessional” videos or posts that are meant to convey their authenticity - where they’re makeup-free and crying or being “real.” And they probably are authentic to the 3w4 (or drawing on something authentic and then being curated) but they’re also a performance designed to create a desired outcome, in service of the ego’s need to convey their value and self-worth. 3’s are consciously constructing an image of depth, separation and even victimhood (when they’re leaning into the w4 more or having a narc meltdown crash-out when they don’t get their way).

And while 4’s are still “image types”, 4’s cannot help but be a 4. There isn’t any meaningful effort involved in “crafting” their image (the same way 2’s are doing their type on autopilot). They’re auto-reflexively terrible, fussy, self-absorbed and melodramatic. While 3’s can get down on themselves and have outbursts, or be drama queens, if they’re cosplaying as a 4 it’s to get a desired result or replicate a proxy identity.

A 4 is authentic to the point of alienation. Their ego breathes the air that is separate, disgusted, negative-leaning or revealing something broken and unresolvably tortured about themselves and their tumultuous lives. This isn’t something they quietly suffer with (9), nor is it something they use to get others to gang up for them or fight their battles (6), this is their art, their melodrama, their world. They turn taking out the garbage into a personal attack or story about how degraded they are in a capitalist pig-scape (yes, we know you hate it too, 6’s and 9’s). 4’s are too busy with their creations to concern themselves with orange peels. Orange peels require a romanticized backstory that fits their self-concept.

A 3 will take out the trash so that their house doesn’t smell when people come over, although they may prefer to enlist an assistant or simp with the task, if they have one handy.

Another way you might see this manifest is the 3w4 aesthete curating a feed of refined, romantic, luxury or vintage objects that perhaps “mean something” to them (or just look like they could) often reflecting back to them how impressive or valued they are. It’s serving Lana del Rey. Trad wife with a marketable fixation on “beauty” and “separation.” 4w3’s auto-reflexively criticize what is not art because it creates a strong sensation of repulsion. 3w4’s can be just as snobby, but it’s often for “effect” and with the intention of elevating themselves, whereas with a 4, it’s autoreflexively separating the self.

3w4 is elevating first, and separating for effect. 4w3 is separating first, and elevating as an afterthought (if at all).

Rather watch/listen? (Ramblings and rantings on the house) 🎧👇

Your compliments are not necessary or welcome. In fact, unless you’re a chosen one, your attention and compliments may cause the 4 to want to drown themselves in bleach. The 4 doesn’t need to convince you of anything, or attach to anything, or be with you because that’s not possible, nor is that appealing. You ‘like’ the 4’s Renaissance art insta-story? They’re either not going to register it or roll their eyes because you don’t actually “get” it. The 3w4 will see it as a hit of validation. “Yes. Flock around my aesthetic, fans.”

And while there are famous 4’s who perform and release music, films, art to the world and can be quite prolific - they’re doing it for themselves and not concerned with how it’s received. They may pay attention to quality or coherence, but it’s in service of unbridled authenticity and about them further deepening their trance with their own reflection. Unfiltered, unadulterated, pure self-expression laden with personal symbols and portals into frustrations, resentments, personal slights, romantic and meaningful fantasies about themselves and others, hyper personalized to their tragic narrative and fixations. It doesn’t mean their art is any good or that this even comes through to the audience. But it’s an alchemical death and rebirth process they go through to feel more into themselves. It’s masturbatory. Exploratory. Revelatory. And on some level it’s designed to ruin them so they can deepen their experience of self from the ashes and shattered gems of what they once were and plunge deeper into the glistening abyss of self-absorption.

Maybe this sounds appealing and romantic - ah, yes, that’s what I do. Do you, though? This is a way of life for 4’s. Not something you turn off and on when you feel compelled every 3 months to “go deep” or “express yourself.” It’s an active, reactive state. Even if the 4 has run out of people to mooch off (when they were unable to sustain themselves as some kind of artist) and have to get some regular job (temporarily) that entire experience will be infused with how much pain it’s causing them and how it’s feeding into their romantic self-absorption landscape. And this won’t be the Attachmenty “how I feel on the inside while I smile on the outside” kind of thing. Imagine the most melodramatic cashier, writing in their little hand-sewn notebook while you come to the counter with your trash pile of poison and conveniences. “— the dough-faced woman licked cherry slushie from her pimply chin. A tiny snot stain on the hideous wallpaper in the basement I am chained in. Punishment for being I. Oh, the poison I must drink just to buy a small trinket for my zoomer girlfriend —”

🧱🫀🧱 When a 3 & 4 “Withdrawn” or “Withhold” 🧱🫀🧱

4’s are “Withdrawn” types, so often people who are introverted or feel low-energy think this is what this means. Or that because they are “withholding” aspects of themselves it means 4 or 5, when the reason they are withdrawing or withholding is Attachment-motivated.

So when a 3, 6 or 9 is “withholding” parts of themselves it can be motivated by avoidance of conflict, or an interruption to getting what they want in a situation, or being seen as unlikeable or unappealing to others. They are sacrificing aspects of themselves in service of The Mask (which is anti-4).

4 isn’t “withholding” parts of themselves from others and presenting The Mask. If they aren’t engaging with you it’s because there’s nothing (in their opinion) to engage with. You offer them nothing interesting, deep, frustration-fuelling or special. You’re not worth pulling themselves away from their much more compelling inner landscape or creative focus. 4’s will also obscure through metaphors or analogies, which 9 also does, but 4’s will be more specific, cutting and presented as little art pieces not mist for you to wade through at your leisure. If they’re 4w5, then they might be more actively withholding - but it’s about keeping their treasures safe from covetous, grasping vultures not because they care what you think.

When a 4w3 “withdraws” it’s typically motivated by them being self-focused and creative, and they’re not even registering what effect that has on you (because it’s not about you). Of course, a 4 can pull away from someone they care about to punish them and express disgust over something they said or did (or didn’t say or do), but it’s not to get them to chase them or change, necessarily. It’s usually to signal “don’t do/say this to me again.” This can cause the other person to feel like they’re walking on eggshells or like they have to behave a certain way in order to remain in the 4’s good graces. And while it may seem to the other person like the 4 is trying to get them to do this, the 4 is more just signalling a loud “no.” They will only play the game of life on their terms. 4 is the special exception. Take it or leave it.

When 3w4’s “withdraw” it’s more calculated and manipulative. Often 3’s create triangulations to try and get others (especially with high SX or SO) to compete for their attention, friendship and praise. This signals to them that they’re valuable to the people trying to win them over. They go through cycles of love-bombing and withdrawing and use this to paint themselves as highly coveted and desirable to themselves and others - look at these people scrambling to please me, desperate for my attention. This makes them feel superior and important. And it’s often designed to create specific behavioural outcomes in the people involved in this web - to do them favors, jump through hoops and chase after them. When the person doesn’t give them the supply they require, they may double efforts of “love bombing” through compliments, flattery, dangling carrots of inclusion, pouring out their “heart” - but it’s calculated. Once they have you hooked again, the cycle repeats and they cut you off and keep you in a state of confusion.

Of course, sometimes people are just busy. So there’s also that.

😶‍🌫️ 💣💥 🔥 Further Clarifications on 3w4 vs 4w3 😶‍🌫️ 💣💥 🔥

3w4’s (and 9’s and 6’s) will relate to the 4w3 side sometimes but it’s not the regular program they’re following. And if they’re getting validation or perceived value from leaning into their 4-ness, they’ll likely do it more. Even to the point of complete and utter inauthenticity. However, the leading actress is still seeking a dozen black roses and a standing ovation for her performance. And if she leaves her sad-alien-clown face-paint on too long, she’ll break out in acne.

The 4w3 is overdoing “authenticity” and staying true to their creative vision and selfhood at the expense of being appealing and successful. The 3w4 is overdoing appealing at the expense of being real.

The 4w3 is prioritizing the endless unfixable tragedy of their life at the expense of a more comfortable and outwardly acceptable existence. The 3w4 is prioritizing success at the expense of a romantically ruinous self-narrative.

3w4’s are using the w4 to sell you authenticity - professionally. 4’s “authenticity” comes from being negative, reactive, frustrated and disgusted. They are nothing like the ugly hordes of pod people. 3w4’s want to rule over the pod people as their Queen.

3w4’s seek to be “separate” insofar as they are exceptional. 4w3’s aren’t consciously curating and considering it. They just are separate and will auto reflexively move away and distance, regardless of how “unprofessional” or “undesirable” it makes them seem. 3w4’s can have their moments, but the 4w3 is ruining, pissing on and individuating on autopilot. It’s not an “event” nor is it a sporadic, curated performance. If a 4w3 is doing something nice or “connectable” - that to them is the event. They are allowing you into their world, and it’s a big deal that is treated with the utmost seriousness.

Both 4w3 and 3w4 are image types, which means they live and die by their own “reflection.” This makes them princessy, overly sensitive and demanding to be seen correctly (according to their ego).

3w4’s sabotage you, 4w3’s sabotage themselves.

3w4’s prioritize “winning” and want to be on top. 4w3’s may have a competitive streak but to think they’re competing against you is laughable (to them). They’re on their own planet, in their own lane. If you trigger their w3 insecurities, they’ll push you out of frame, not use you as a measuring stick for self-worth to compare themselves to.

3w4’s are more prone to perfectionism (frustration in service of a superior image). 4w3’s will sacrifice perfection in order to more authentically express themselves.

3w4’s search for self involves the audience’s participation in constructing something valuable. They’re constructing images until one feels like it fits (or is tolerable to them) and then will stick with that as long as it’s working for them. But they may always feel as if they’re searching for who they are, or frustrated when their image isn’t getting them the desired results. And then they have some kind of crisis about how they’re living someone else’s life or they’re not sure who they even are. And then start looking for other images to try on, like that scene in Clueless where Alicia Silverstone is picking out her next outfit. “Alexa, let’s try being deep this week.”

4w3’s pull their relationships into this inward-focused narrative to add additional intensity, melodrama and reactive heartbreak and fuel for their personal experience, but you are never actually “in there” with them, because there’s only room for them. 3w4’s use other people to compare themselves to, outdo, or validate their self-worth (via the image they’ve created). You will be “in” the 3w4 because they may have taken on aspects of you in adapting to or becoming the ideal self.

3w4’s are constructing a mask and the narrative to support the mask. 4w3’s are creating narratives to fit their inflexible self-concept and churn up emotional trinkets.

Both types are “narcissists” but only one of them requires audience participation and feedback for their self-image to feel solid. A 4 may feel hurt by their audience’s reception and react in a fussy, prissy or explosive manner because it wasn’t up to their Frustration standards. However, it will just become fuel for the 4 to further paint their tragic Special Needs Victims Unit story.

3w4’s can be insufferable but 4w3’s are insufferable.

4’s self-sabotage. They are wired for self-destruction on some level - which can manifest in destroying their own talent or possibilities within an industry because they are so fucking insufferable and impossible to help or work with. They will unconsciously ruin their own style, expression, etc in order to create the pattern of not getting what they want - or not having it for very long – unless they can be fully fucking conscious with this pattern and go through the agonizing swamp of moving out of it.

3w4’s can self-sabotage, although it’s usually caused by being “exposed” or bested by a rival/opponent (although they’ll like seek to create allies and flying monkeys, in such a case). They’re primarily wired for success and are seeking to have some kind of high status or being impressive.

3w4’s are searching for who they are through what they’re good at and what gives them validation cookies and metrics from the external world. The 4w3’s search for self is completely independent, inward-focused, life-giving and melodramatic. It primarily involves staring at their own reflection, whereas a 3w4 needs another object to compare themselves to. Not to say 4’s won’t engage in feuding, but it’s not about their self-worth or value. They’re just using you as something to channel their hatred and disgust at - because you’re fake and a desperate wannabe (which then makes them feel more separate, unique and precious).

4w3’s are overdoing being the special exception 24/7. A 3w4 may want to be seen or feel like a special exception but they will prioritize their need to be viewed as valuable and desirable. 4’s are just living that dream “special exception” life by being insufferable, petty, pretentious and masturbatorily self-involved. And 3’s are also awful, but they’re using 4 to assist their main type’s goals.

4’s unconsciously (on autopilot) obscure and separate - and this may even appear aggressive to other types (like 9’s) as to the other person it may feel like being pushed away (especially if that person has “merged” with them). But the 4 is simply moving towards and into themselves and their endless fascination with their own depths and intricacies. 9’s (as withdrawn gut types) can also “obscure” things, “separate” and move “into” themselves, but it’s to hide their location, avoid conflict or alleviate pressure or discomfort. Or, it’s because they’re hoping you’ll ask them questions so they can share their location or even find it for themselves. And they can become upset when you’re not trying to help them with this task, even though on some level they can also feel overwhelmed by it.

4’s location is never lost to them, and they don’t give a shit if you like it or not. If they’re not sharing it with you, it’s because you’re unworthy of it or they don’t care to. It’s snotty, effete and frustrated. 9’s withhold to maintain peace and unruffled connection. 9’s can have their moments, obviously, but they prefer comfort and soothing emotional states. 4’s prefer active churning, roiling, reactive brooding and over-the-top emotional sensations. 9’s want you to share your emotions with them to connect to you.

But I digress…